That was, until their divorce and we (my mum, sister and I) moved a continent away. I remained mummy's girl but my sister flailed around, trying to find where her father figure had gone. She looked for it in boyfriends, male colleagues, anyone with a drop of testosterone. I thought I remained unaffected. I generally find Men and Men-Stuff unappealing. I am a girls girl.
But over the years, about once a year, I am confronted with the tiny nugget within me that will always be daddy's girl. That wish for a father's praise when you have done something well, that certainty that your father thinks that there was never a lovelier creature that walked the earth than you.
Studies show that girls with strong bonds to their fathers have higher self esteem. I can see that in my own daughter. My husband adores everything about her - apart from her table manners. I try and imagine what that must be like to be the sun to my fathers moon, but fail.
My dad has let me down again. My charming, hilarious, handsome father has yet again decided that it is more important to go golfing in warm climes than to take the relatively short trip to see us. For the first time in 30 years I am living on the same continent as him, but he would much rather spend time with his golfing buddies.
It's funny, I understand I have never been a large part of his life. I have told myself it doesn't matter that he didn't bother seeing his grandson for the first year of his life. That he never knew what school I went to as a child, that he always seemed faintly unimpressed by my achievements. It's that part of me, the Freudian child that doesn't understand why I am not even third on his list of important things.
Are we all at heart Daddy's Girls, looking for their approval, even if we pretend we are not?
It is particularly sad I have to say, especially when I lost my own father 9 years ago and not a day goes by when I don't miss him. I would do anything to have him back but I know he's content where he is. Heaven is a big space, but we always find our loved ones in the end.
ReplyDeleteCJ xx
Although it's heart-breaking, perhaps it's easier if you think about it in terms of it being his loss more than anyone's.
ReplyDeleteMen eh?
I have relied heavily on my Dad in the past year as there has been a lot going on in our house (my son diagnosed with autism) and he has been the best support ever. I can't imagine how I would feel in your situation, I guess it would hurt because blood is supposed to be thicker than golf clubs! Jen
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I over shared a little too much there!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments. I agree. Men, eh?
ReplyDeleteI got an email from him yesterday pleading poverty as to why he cant come here. This is a man who has been to Cuba for 2 weeks, around Cape Cod for 2 weeks and is about to fly to Bermuda for a golfing holiday.
So the £200 it would have taken to fly here would have really stretched the pursestrings...
A Thrify Miss...I love oversharing. Do tell!
I know this is way out of date, but your post struck such a strong chord with me.
ReplyDeleteI am a recovering Daddy's Girl.
I have accepted that my Dad loves me but basically loves himself more.
I had to learn to approve of myself!