Sunday, September 12, 2010

What argument with your husband keeps rearing it's head?

My husband and I have had our weekly argument about me not wanting to leave Canada.

We are not used to arguing, he is mild and jovial, I am spikey but a coward. Arguments are rare things, except for this one. It pops up like an evil jack in the box on a weekly basis for the past couple of months. It goes like this:

"Have you honestly, honestly exhausted all possibilities that there might be a job for you in the whole of Canada." [Me]
"Yes, I have sent out seven emails and no one has replied. There are no jobs in my incredibly, ridiculously specialised line of work. A line of work that you now curse because we will probably end up in Wolverhampton because that is the only place with an opening suitable." [him]
"Seven emails and no follow up calls?!?!? FFS!!!! It's hardly pounding the pavements. Canada is a big frickin' place. You aren't trying. You know how much I want to stay here and how happy the kids are but you secretly want to get us back to Blighty and I can't do a damn thing about it."
"I love it here too, but I love it in Blighty. Even Wolverhampton."
"You are so passive-aggressive."
"And you don't understand how it all works over here applying for jobs!!!"

Much crying and stamping of feet from both, and we are back to the beginning.
I want to stay here so badly. I was brought up here and only came to England because of my parents divorce. He knows that, and yet tells me he hasn't the time to look into the work situation here properly as there is a job coming up in England that he wants to go for.

I am not saying I couldn't be happy in England. I have been before, I could be again. I would be near lots of family (although the same could be said for Canada) and I could work in my profession there. But this longing to stay in Canada is a visceral thing. I feel like I finally belong. My heart thrills at seeing the Maple Leaf flag. I understand this place and it understands me. I never realised how deep my roots were here, and to tear them up is going to tear a piece of my soul. The children seem to have blossomed here. They are freer to run around the streets, we catch frogs and caterpillars, they love their school, but they also miss England as well.

I don't know why I have written this post, except to insult the good folk of Wolverhampton. Perhaps I have written it because it is better to write this and scream at the keyboard rather than scream at my husband again.
The screaming is not working, but neither is persuasion and kind words. Perhaps sometimes you just have to accept that your life cannot be as complete as you would like it to be.

Does anyone else have cyclical arguments they get into with their partners that has no resolution?


  1. Oh dear, sounds like there really is no resolving this one in a way that will keep everyone perfectly happy. If it is any consolation I am with you on living in Canada, it is the business:) Jen

  2. First off I didn't realise you weren't a native Briton, I thought you'd moved to Canada with your husband because he was from there (shamelessly admitting to not having read EVERY one of your posts. Sorry). Secondly Wolverhampton is a shithole, in my opinion, I'm sure there are lovely lovely people there. But finally in answer to your question, yes we have many many cyclical arguments. Normally about what I want to do with the house but he doesn't, or how I want to change a room around and he thinks I'm being a pain in the arse. Since the children we argue about them alot We had a good one going for the first 2 years of toddler's life which was about the use of a dummy. A dummy ffs? hardly the national bloody debt. So yes we have many recurring ones, but many new ones every day - variety is indeed the spice of life as they say. Actually mostly he just irritates the shit out of me, but when he doesn't he's a good bloke and now I feel I need to justify my marriage! Shit I must stop before I really lose it.

  3. We have a silent not-quite-argument about moving back to England. I've been here for 20 years so I think he thought I would give up after a while. Now however, while my three kids love England, they are American and probably wouldn't want to stay there. Plus, he says all his clients are here. etc. etc.

  4. I think you should buy him the book 48 days to work you love by dan miller. there is a good section on job searching in it.

  5. Susie - will get that book!
    Expat - amazing that you are still having that debate after 20 years. I don't think I could do another 20 weeks of this one.
    It'sAMummy - Dummy's have been cited in 20% of divorce statistics as a reason to divorce. Probably.
    Jen - You are right, it is the dogs!